Oneness Includes

God never stops amazing me in this life-long healing process. I’m doing a Lent study with our weekly small group. An exercise at the start was to tell other members how they could best be a friend. My request was that they accept me as I was. As the study went on, my eyes widened to the basis for that request. Past spiritual abuse came up in our discussions. As I prayed and journaled over it, God was faithful to teach me. I have no doubt I’m totally accepted by God, even the ugly parts. I know my family and the Mending the Soul abuse support groups I facilitate do, as well. What I lack is assurance of that the church accepts me with my ugly. 

In the Lent study the first thing that struck me was Jesus’ prayer in John 17 right before he went to the Garden of Gethsemane. He prayed for us, that we would all be joined together as one, that we would experience the perfect unity that the Father and Son enjoy and that our body would be their holy dwelling place. The purpose was so that we would experience the same passionate love the Father and Son have. 

This “oneness” message has been stirring in me for months and it grew stronger through our study. Oneness is a big word. It’s all encompassing. Oneness is key to our spiritual growth! It’s vital to our existence. It’s the handle we grasp that opens the door to the fullness of this experience of living. 

But wow, this last year has exposed so much ugly! The church has not been exempt from it, either. Divisiveness is pervasive. Sadly, those outside of the church see Christians at the center of it. 

So, how do we get to that elusive place of unity? The church without walls? Unity is hard enough in a relationship between two people, as evidenced by divorce rates. It gets more difficult to extend the picture frame to include a whole family. To stretch our frame to be big enough for the whole church and the world seems like making a giant leap into a chiasm of impossibility. But Jesus prayed that we would be one…

We facilitate the healing process in others through the Mending the Soul groups and God is faithful to take us deeper as he continues that process in us. We’re able to accept those who come into our groups where they’re at, as they are. We aren’t the ones who point out their immaturity or flaws. God does the work. It’s messy. It’s ugly, but we love them through it. We love them to a better place.

What if we, meaning the church, applied that same model when it comes others outside of groups? The tendency is to not be as accepting because we’re more prone to judge what we don’t understand. Everyone has a story. It’s so unfair to judge when we don’t even know a person’s story. And we know how horrible it feels to be unfairly judged. My first stop on the Lenten path is at the cross. I’m leaving my judgements of others at the foot.

We share our value for authenticity; however, do we give space for that if we hold expectations over people. Perceived expectation can cause people to hide behind masks and pretend to be what they aren’t. Expectations discourage honesty, causing a person to say what they think is expected. I’m taking my expectations back to the cross, too.

I’ve had this thought, “I could love those people, but… I’ve told others, “God loves you, but you need to do this and this…”  “I love you, but…” Thank God he didn’t love me that way. What if we could leave the “buts” – at the cross? Isn’t that what the cross was for? Maybe, we should print, “But-less Love,” on a t-shirt.

This is why I feel such a need to be accepted by the church with all of my good, bad and ugly. Accept me into the community with my whole story without judging me, even if you don’t understand it. If you accept me just as I am, I can be brave enough to come out of hiding, to be honest and real. Together we can help each other grow and mature. You see, even though I didn’t belong to your church or graduate from any college or grow up where you did, I still have skills and talents that will help you. As a matter of fact, we actually need each other to experience life in it’s fulness. I’m just a start. Once you accept me as a part of you, we can grow from here.

We’re all human, all messy. I need to allow humans to be what they are. We’re all part of the same human race and running the same course over planet earth. There is no elevated track for a select few to run above the others. If a racer falls, I don’t ask questions before I help them up. And there is no timing chip around our ankle, no competition or comparison. The only goal is to cross that finish line with my whole body intact, hands locked with yours. One with God in Christ, thanks to the cross.

That’s the Lenten path I’ve been getting my feet dirty on. It starts with me. God asked me to clear the way into my heart for him to be able to enter. He wanted me! And he wanted my whole heart. He asked that I allow his touch on my life by getting really honest with no hiding, so what remained was authentic and free, a wholly healed, holy heart. It’s a wide-open space for Jesus and my big God where we can run together, a place that’s open to share love with the world. It’s a place I get to participate. Finally, I’m not excluded.

Mending the Soul is an international organization that provides healing resources and support for those who have experienced the trauma of abuse in any form. For more information, visit: mendingthesoul.org

Embrace Your Joy!

Christmas is one of my absolute favorite times of the year and it’s obvious when you look around my home.  I’ve just spent the last two weeks decorating, so yes, it’s very evident that I love Christmas!  The holidays bring me great joy!

Joy is an appropriate topic for today’s post because after all, tis the season!  My post is inspired by a few things.  One of those inspirations is Nelson Mandela.  People who spread love and good will in our world are a great source of inspiration and much can be learned from the legacy that this man left behind.  While the world mourns his passing, those closest to him are dealing with intense grief at the moment.  Joy is the farthest thing from their minds.

As a matter of fact, this season is one that many can’t find joy in.  Accidents still happen.  People lose their lives.  Disease is still diagnosed.  Employees lose their jobs.  Bills still come in the mailbox.  Families break apart.  Depression and suicides increase.  Life doesn’t suddenly change to cookies, glitter and snow angels when Macy’s Santa arrives in the Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Transforming my home and singing carols is more apt to cause people in these situations to be even more depressed.

So, how can I write about joy when there is so much pain and disorder around me?  You knew I was going to answer that, didn’t you.  My own life hasn’t been all happy and joyful, nor have all of my Christmas seasons been filled with gifts and shiny things.  If you’ve read my blog before, you know that.  I’ve experienced Christmas with accidents, loss, illness, no money, bills, break ups and brokenness, so I understand how difficult this time of year can be.  No, I wasn’t happy with my circumstances during those times, but I was able to be grateful for what I did have and look for the bright side of whatever the situation was.  I’ve always found someone or something that inspires me to find joy.

Another source for my inspiration today is a member of the running team that my husband and I belong to.  I’ve never met her in person, but I’ve seen enough of her posts on our team website and Facebook, that I feel like I know her and for that, I am grateful.  Honestly, I’m grateful for all of our team as they all are wonderful people who encourage and support each other in all of the highs and lows that come with injuries, recoveries, victories and defeats.  We all need people like this in our lives.  Today, while I am not diminishing the rest of our team in anyway, I want to highlight one.  And here I go naming names again and this time I actually have permission.  My inspiration today is Nancy.

Each day, Nancy posts a little personal story and how she was able to find joy in her day, no matter if it was a good day or a bad day.  I’ve come to look forward to reading her, “Go embrace your joy” messages.  I want to share what she posted on facebook last week.  I’ll just copy and paste exactly what she posted, as I can’t say it any better.  Here you go:

“Your destiny is to fulfill those things upon which you focus most intently. So choose to keep your focus on that which is truly magnificent, beautiful, uplifting and joyful. Your life is always moving toward something.” ~Ralph Marston

“A few days ago I shared with you all that after having fallen into a funk in my life I sought the guidance of a therapist–a person who helped me develop the tools to carry me through the obstacles–to change my perspective of this incredible and many times challenging journey we call life. 

There are many who perceive anyone seeking help as being weak or unable to cope. Sadly seeking help for a broken bone, a headache, blurry vision, even a toothache has never been questioned by my friends, but the minute they heard that I was in therapy, some friends became quite uncomfortable–giving me a side-way glance or total silence as if my problems were contagious–as if may I have a screw loose or that I am nuts. The truth– I believe the judgment from others is one biggest reasons people do not seek intervention–they don’t want people to think they can’t figure out life on their own. But sadly this perception is so unfair.

What I have learned over the years is, if I already knew everything I could about life, than there is nothing more I could learn. There would be little or no reason for me to change, to evolve to transform my life. Unfortunately, unlike your car, we aren’t born with an owner’s manual to guide us through the trials–what to do when our own internal check engine light comes on. We learn to do what we have to do just to survive–that is what we are wired to do. 

With each passing year I worry less about what others think of me, something that I spent way too much time and energy doing in my past, electing to focus more on what I think of myself and the nurturing friendships that bring me joy. Am I a good person? Am I a compassionate person? Am I kind? Loving? Giving? Do I bring joy to others?

The truth is–not everyone will like me–my goal in life is not to give up who I am to be loved by others, to be liked by others–as long as I am kind and respectful, you get me in all my whacky doodle ways. I love to have fun–I find being happy and joyful takes far less work than being miserable and angry. And as I have come to believe there is joy to found every day–sometimes you have to look far and wide for it and other times it’s right before your eyes. 

HAPPY SATURDAY FRIENDS–GO EMBRACE YOUR JOY!!!!”

Nancy started writing her posts about joy when her therapist gave her a homework assignment to find at least one thing that brings her joy every day, even on the dark days.  She said that some days, it was just finding a penny on her run, or seeing a rainbow after a storm, or a smile from a stranger.  She wrote this about finding joy in another one of her posts.

“Finding joy is a choice– it’s about rewiring our brain to move from negativity that can became such a part of our lives, to finding joy in the simplest of things. Certainly I would love to take full credit for my epiphany, but life in all its ups and downs is meant to be shared. More times than not, the joy does not lie in others, but is buried deep within our own hearts–we just have to open our eyes, hearts and minds to this amazing gift.”

This blog is named what it is for a reason.  It’s my own quest to become more of a real person, not one who puts on the socially accepted mask, flashes a fake smile and pretends my life is like living in a rose garden every day.  While I do like shiny things and I’d like to make you think that if it were even possible that I would ever pass gas, I would emit tiny puffs of glitter, we all know that’s not really how it is.  I want to share in the real life journey we are all on, because we all need support and encouragement.  We all need the encouragement of people around us during the difficult times, like my running team does for me.

Nancy is being real.  She’s sharing what is uncomfortable, but what she is really doing is encouraging others to be better people.  Because she chooses to be authentic, I’m encouraged to listen.  Her words speak to my heart, therefore, I’m encouraged to grow and I too, can find joy.  Maybe she’s not doing it on the scale that Nelson Mandela did, but she’s doing her part to spread love and good will in our world.

The past several days, we’ve been privileged to hear more about Nelson Mandela’s life and what he stood for.  We’ve also heard many inspiring words of wisdom that were uttered through his lips.  They were really an overflow of his heart.  This particular quote got my attention.

“If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head.

If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.“
Nelson Mandela 

Nelson Mandela was authentic, the real deal.  He spoke in a language that could be understood by all, because he spoke to something that is buried deep in the hearts of all.  It’s love and goodwill that speaks to us.  That’s the language of the heart.  So in this world where all that glitters isn’t gold, where it’s hard to find the true meaning of the season in the frenzy of activity and plastic trees, I’m hoping more of us will open our eyes, hearts and minds to look deep inside ourselves and others for those real gifts that are real and authentic.  Spread some of that love and goodwill around.  Go embrace your joy!

Thanks Nancy!

Chapter 2013, Page 1 of 365

It’s 9:00 a.m. on the first day of 2013 and I am sitting here at my kitchen counter, in pain and seriously considering going back to bed.  That’s not how I planned for this year to begin!  But, one of the lessons that life has taught me is that I can’t control everything.  I’ve been especially taught that in regard to my health these last couple years.  No matter how hard I work to stay healthy, there are just some things that are out of my hands.  Right now it appears that whatever is going on has to do with my spine.  I had x-rays last week and an MRI just yesterday, so I don’t have the results yet.  If you see me out in public, moving my appendages around in strange ways, it’s because I’m trying to bring relief to the pain going down my arm and my legs.

It’s the New Year, a time when we focus on changes we want to make in our lives.  Often, our New Year’s resolution has to do with weight loss and our health.  One of my goals in 2012 was to run a full marathon.  My body didn’t cooperate, so I wasn’t able to do that, but my mind was completely ready.  My first marathon from last May had to be rescheduled for January 20^, 2013.  Last November, it became evident that I wasn’t even going to be able to do that, so I switched to the ½.  Now it’s even questionable as to whether I will be able to even walk that one.  Running is definitely out.

It’s so frustrating, so discouraging, to find myself having to take weeks off of training, yet again!  To feel like you have to almost start over, yet again…  I’ve taken up cycling for cross training in the meantime and I am having a blast with that, but I so want to run!

I have to admit, today I find myself in a weakened place.  T hey, (whoever “they” are) say to never admit to weakness, but we get real here.  We all have our weak moments.  We all have times when we need to be encouraged.  Today I will encourage myself with my own words.  Maybe they can encourage you, too!  Here is a blog post I wrote this last year: “Life Lessons from an Athlete”.  I’ve applied these principles to running, however, they can be applied to whatever it is you want to do in 2013.

I wish you a happy and healthy New Year!

Life Lessons From an Athlete

I wrote a blog post this past February entitled, “I Wanna Be an Athlete”.  Little did I know that within a couple weeks of that post, well into training for my first marathon, I would be taken out of the game.

Just over a year ago, my husband and I took up running.  We saw the value of being healthy and making healthier life style changes and running was a way to move us in that direction.  As you know, running isn’t a sport that those qualifying for an AARP Card usually jump into.  It wasn’t easy, but it was a serious jump and we’ve gotten several races under our belts now, the longest for me being a ½ marathon.  My first full marathon was to be the Cleveland Rite Aid Marathon this past May, but that didn’t happen.

In March, while doing an intense speed workout, I had a hamstring and hip injury that brought me to an abrupt halt.   I was barely able to limp the three miles home.  I hate not being able to complete a workout the coach gives me!  Feeling desperate not to miss any training so close to my 1^st marathon, I tried everything to speed up the healing.  Loads of stretching, physical therapy, ice, rest, nothing was working.  Along with the hamstring issue, the Sports Orthopedic Doctor found that I also had a lot of arthritis in my spine that was contributing to my pain and probably a stress fracture.  It became evident as the weeks passed by that I would not be running my first marathon in May.  I was intensely disappointed!

At the same time in March, I learned that I had developed an incisional hernia from a surgery that I had last September.   (That’s a whole other drama that I wrote about in “I’m Not Average”.)  The lump on my belly was huge!  I called it my belly boob except the problem was that it was bigger than the original two.  This would require surgery, so I went ahead and scheduled that, hoping to heal the hip at the same time I was recovering from the surgery. It turned out that the surgeon not only had to repair the hernia we knew of, but found that I had many holes to repair.  The surgeon described it as looking like swiss cheese.  The eight previous abdominal surgeries had done a number on my midsection.  Thus the surgery and the recovery time turned out to be a bigger ordeal than was originally planned.

I’ve not been able to run for over three months now!  If you are a runner, you certainly understand how painful this is.  Sadness wells up when you see other runners on the road or when you drive down roads you usually run on or your spouse suits up to hit the road.  You even begin to crave those nasty GU packets!  What was really painful was being sidelined for three races that I was already signed up to run.  Reduced to being a race T-shirt collector, I still attended and cheered on my husband as he ran those races, including the race that was to be “our” first marathon.  Bittersweet as it was, I was so proud of him as he crossed that finish line!

All that said, I’ve had lots of time to re-think this “wanna be an athlete” thing.  I think there is much to be learned from athletes that can be applied in other areas of our lives.  Here is what I’ve learned.

• Being an athlete changes the way you eat.  I’m an athlete.  I need to eat healthy food.  What I put into my body matters.
• Being an athlete changes your daily activities.  Workouts “must” fit into your day.
• Seeing yourself as an athlete changes the way you think about a workout.  I am an athlete; therefore hard work is what I do.
• On a substandard, humorous level, it changes the way you see yourself.  It makes it a little more okay to be smaller on the top side if you’re a woman.
• An athlete needs to have a healthy balance between mind, body and spirit.  You need to be strong in all three areas.

• Athletes see themselves as WINNERS before they have even run the race or played the game.
• Athletes push harder; they go above the norm, above the expected.  They push the limits, if there are limits.
• Athletes go through periods of strict training.  They beat their bodies into shape to be able to accomplish their goal.
• Athletes endure setbacks and injuries as being a part of the game.  They don’t give up but use it as time to gain strength or endurance in another area.
• Once an athlete recovers from an injury or setback and is able to get back in the game, they forget what’s past and strain for what’s ahead.  They can’t afford to allow fear of the past to slow them down.
• Athletes are persistent and determined.  They know what patient endurance means – “steady, active persistence”.
• Athletes strip off everything that would hold them back, even the tiniest thing that would weigh them down.  They wear appropriate clothing and gear, specifically designed for their sport.
• Athletes don’t allow themselves to be distracted.  They stay focused.  Their goal, the prize is always set before them.
• Athletes work together with their team.  They help each other win the game.
• Athletes find motivation and encouragement in those who have already endured through the agonizing pain that comes with training.  They look to those who have pushed through hardships and setbacks, those who have already attained high goals and already succeeded at winning.
• They run hard or play the game as a fight to the finish and they get the prize.  And the rewards don’t suck!

I’m sure there is more that I will learn in this journey.  I’m at six weeks post surgery now and had my first physical therapy appointment this week.  I was hoping to hear that I was good to hit the road, but it looks like I’m going to need another two to four weeks to rebuild my core strength before I can run again.  The next scheduled race is the Napa to Sonoma ½ Marathon which is just over a month away.  I will probably have to walk most of this, but at least I won’t be sidelined.  My husband who will be running will just have more time at the finish line to enjoy the fruits of Napa while he waits for me.  🙂

Having re-thought this athlete thing, I can tell you that I haven’t changed my mind.  The difference now is, I’m seeing myself as an athlete, because I am!  Life is an amazing race.  Let’s run it well, together!

My Grown Up Christmas Gift

It’s with utmost respect and honor that I bring you today’s blog post.  I want to share one of the most valuable and precious Christmas gifts I have ever received.   It’s a poem written by one of my own.  My son gave me permission to share this with you today.  It wasn’t his intention to share this normally, very private, thing with the world, but it’s such a beautiful thing that, how can the world not get to experience it.  The back story to this, are years of addiction, many rehab programs, and several seasons of recovery followed by relapse.  Not that the journey is over, but this time feels different.  There is new life and hope that hasn’t been felt before.  I’m proud of my son and the positive steps that he is taking toward his new and wonderful future.  Together, we share this private moment in time today, not to exploit a man’s suffering, but to bring hope to other moms, dads, brothers, sisters and family members of addicts.  My son’s heart is much the same as mine, to help and love others.  Here is our gift to you.  May this season of hope live on in the New Year.  Merry Christmas!

 

For the Family

How can I even begin to express

About this time last year I was undoubtedly distraught, surely lost,

Senseless direction, heading nowhere, the trail had long since gone cold

Solid ground so ever elusive

The fear of death was becoming reality

I had abandoned all hope and lying to myself and everyone else in the process

Sick of pain and sobbing in a drunken stupor, I knew I couldn’t deny the truth

I was robbing myself of a life rich with meaning and warm hearted affairs

So I did what all good gangsters do and I called my parents, E.T. phone home

An answer, always an answer, as close as man can come, to divine love

They listened, always listened; I knew I had to get back to the desert

The place I once believed to be my problem, these people, these mountains, these

plastic possessions

Technology, pornography, dystrophy, all around me

But what I’m getting at ain’t so easily said, but seen out of your own two see’ers  instead

I got lost

The stupid story of the prodigal son haunts me like a rake does a garden gnome

And every time I was welcomed back, grace with a warm blanket of unconditional love

I am warm in my family’s arms

Fingers not so stiff and bleeding

I am charged with intense emotional uplift in the arms of my blood

Not so lethargic and glum, the fog lifts a little and I can finally breathe some

I am delighted to be born into such a solid rock of a household

Homesick and uprooted I am shaky and alone

I am blessed with a family who could never see me how I see myself

Distasteful, wasteful, hell in a bucket

The true meaning of the holidays is this

Family

I hope I’ve expressed in some way what I’m so desperately trying to say

I have the best family

From it stem the strongest roots

And I am so grateful and so floored to have made it back

If I’d had the choice to choose, I would have sold myself short

I am a man among angels

You see right through me

Thank you

 

The Bumble’s Story

Wow!  I almost have no other words to say in light of all the tragedy that we’ve seen happening during what is supposed to be a joyful season.  We have indeed, seen unthinkable and horrific events unfold before our eyes.  I am not attempting to address what has happened, nor relate these events to my story today.  I just can’t help but express the heaviness in my heart for the families involved as I begin to write today.  My prayers for those who are hurting so deeply are united with yours and the prayers of this nation.

I will repeat, I “almost” have no words to say, but I do have a few.  It’s not that what I am going to say is easy or all that joyous, but it’s important to me, so pull up an ice block for a few minutes and lend an ear.

One of my favorite Christmas specials is “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”.  I grew up watching it every year.  I remember many years ago as an 18 year old, working “adult”, (well before the days of the DVR), I had a boss that let me have a long dinner break from work so I could go home and watch the show.  Yes, it was that important to me.  Even now, many years later, Rudolph has this special place in my home every Christmas.  

While the story of Rudolph offers many good life lessons, today I want to focus on the Bumble’s story.  In case you aren’t familiar, the Bumble was the Abominable Snow Monster of the North.  Everyone knew and feared the Abominable Snow Monster.  Rudolph’s father, Donner, taught Rudolph the dangers of this monster as a very young buck.  The prospector in the story, Yukon Cornelius, was always cautiously aware of the possibility of encountering the monster in his daily search for silver and gold.

Today I’m thinking of what the Bumble represents, but not in the cute, cartoonish way he is portrayed in the Christmas special.  There is no way that I would ever begin to make light of the situations that are on my mind today.  The fear that Rudolph was taught or that Cornelius had, can’t possibly even begin to touch the reality of what I’m talking about today.   Today, I’m talking about some other monsters, the monsters of addiction and alcoholism.  You see, these monsters have robbed some of my family and friends, people I love, of portions of their life.

This morning I walked out of my bedroom to find my husband already up, eating breakfast and browsing the web.  He informed me that our youngest son had posted a picture of our family on Facebook.  The picture was from about 18 years ago.  Oh my, the things your kids do while you’re sleeping!  My son had gotten all of the family albums out and apparently found this particular picture to be entertaining and posted it.  Entertaining, it was indeed!  Once I got past being horrified by the look of my enormous hair, I was brought to tears as I scanned the sweet faces of my four children.  They were so adorable!  I had a moment, so surreal.  How fast they grow up!  The picture had been taken before life had robbed them of the fun and innocence of childhood.

In the years since that picture was taken, I’ve gathered many stories to tell about how the abominable monster has reached out to grab those I love and attempt to snatch their very lives.  The battles waged against this monster have been bloody and fierce, neither are they over.  As many of you know, this is a lifelong battle that is fought everyday by millions of you.   Today isn’t the day to go into details on the specifics of my stories.  We’ve heard enough negative this season.  Today, I think we all need to be encouraged.

You see, the Bumble story has a happy ending.  Just as those who daily fight the monster of alcohol or addiction, Yukon Cornelius had more than one encounter with the Abominable Snow Monster.  One time he used the tool that he worked with on a daily basis, his pic, to make a “do it yourself iceberg”.  He was able to escape certain harm at the hands of the bumble and float away to safety, because Bumbles sink!  There finally came a time when Yukon could no longer run and hide from what he feared and he had to face his monster head on.

Remember Herbie, the elf whose dream was to be a dentist?  Yukon and Herbie devised a plan to save Clarice and Rudolph from being eaten alive by the Abominable Snow Monster.  Herbie made pig noises, because we all know that Bumbles will gladly turn down reindeer meat for a pork dinner.  He was able to lure the Bumble out of his cave and he and Yukon courageously faced that which they feared the most.  Yukon was spastically swinging his pic as Herbie oinked and they were able to bait the Bumble away from the cave so their friends could be safe.  Unfortunately, they backed the Bumble up to a point that appeared to be certain death for Herbie, the Bumble and Cornelius, as they all fell over the edge of a deep crevice.  The lives of Rudolph and Clarice were now safe, but at the cost of their friend’s lives.

The scene shifts to Rudolph and Clarice mourning the loss of their friends.  Were they ever surprised as the doors of Santa’s castle swung open and in walked Cornelius and Herbie, followed by the Bumble!  Cornelius proclaimed that he had reformed the monster!  And Herbie the elf had started his new practice as the North Pole Dentist, by pulling the monster’s teeth.  The Bumble no longer had the power to eat reindeer or pork!  The reformed Bumble then helps to make the tree in Santa’s castle complete, as he places the star on the top.

Why do I like the Bumble story?  Because, it’s a story redemption and hope!  The Abominable Snow Monster that everyone feared was reformed.  No one imagined that he could ever be anyone different than what he was, but it did happen!  Yes, it’s just a make believe child’s Christmas story.  I know that, but “hope” is very real.

There is another Christmas story which is the basis of my hope.  Hope was sent in the form of that little babe lying in a manger.  I think that story is much better as it’s read by Charlie Brown in another childhood Christmas special.  That baby didn’t stay little and powerless.  That baby was sent by love to bring light to a dark world.  I believe that love has the power to overcome any monster we face and certainly, the evils of addiction and alcoholism!  That perfect love chases away that which makes me fearful.  Yes, the God of limitless love is my hope.

That hope is the gift that I use as a tool in my life, this life that I’ve learned to live just one day at a time.  That powerful hope is also the weapon that I use to fight the monsters that make me fearful.  It’s the one thing that I’ve been able to hang onto in the very dark days of this journey.  When all else has been ripped from my hands, hope is still there.  No, all of the struggles are still not over, nor all the battles won.

I posted this picture last week.  The word “Hope” is written free hand in pencil by someone I love.  It was written on a piece of manila folder and was sent to me from a prison cell as a Christmas card several years ago.  The person who sent it had no idea how much it meant to me.  This person is still struggling to this day.  Though it breaks my heart, I still have hope.  This one hasn’t made it to the side of victory in this battle yet.  I said, not “yet”, but I know many others who have.  There is a victory side in the days to come.  I just know it.   As I posted, last week, hope is my gift.  “I’m a mom.  I will never give up my hope!”  For that reason, I can still have a joyous heart this Christmas season.  Merry Christmas!

 

 

Patience Makes Perfect

“Tis the season!”  That’s been my response to people who wear “impatience” on their face this holiday season.  You’ve all seen it and I think all of us would freely admit that we’ve felt more than a little impatient already this season.  We have multiple opportunities to practice patience as we maneuver the obstacles in grocery store aisles, stand in the department store lines and practically risk our lives to find a parking spot.

I’ve got more than the holiday season to be impatient about right now.  If you’ve read any of my previous blogs, you know that I’ve been trying to train to run a marathon for over a year now.  I’m frustrated and impatient about that, too.  It seems that as soon as I start to recover from one injury or issue with my body, a new one emerges.  I’ve had physical therapy for just about every body part from the waist down now over the last year and a half.  I’m beginning to wonder if I should ask for my name to be inscribed on one of the bricks in the wall at the physical therapy office.  Certainly, my Therapist must be tired of seeing me walk in that door, too, in spite of my financial contribution to his lively hood!

Just this past weekend, I was finally able to run six miles for the first time in a couple months because I’ve been recovering from a knee injury.  This morning I went out to run and within the first five minutes I had hip pain that felt similar to pain I experienced last spring.  That was a stress fracture that put me out of commission for a couple months.  I didn’t want to risk another couple months off, so I decided to give myself today off from running.  My coach schedules my workouts each day and he is trying to do all he can to keep me injury free.  I’m afraid to tell him about yet another pain.  Certainly, my Coach must be getting tired of all of this!  Could he be secretly wishing I would just give up???

I texted my husband and told him why I had to skip the run this morning.  No response…  I just picture him shaking his head and imagine him thinking, “Not again”!  If he isn’t getting tired of the injuries, he certainly had got to be getting tired of all the co-pays!  I know I am!

Maybe even you, my readers are getting impatient with me, thinking the same things that the rest might be…

Maybe you can’t relate to my reasons for feeling impatient, but you know what I’m talking about.  We get impatient over many things, most often; they’re situations beyond our control.  Things as trivial as another’s bad driving habits or waiting in rush hour traffic might make your blood boil.  Waiting on hold for customer service or to speak to a real person about your need can be terribly frustrating.  Worse yet, situations involving waiting for others to change or to act on something that will have an impact on your life, seem to drag on forever!  Have you noticed a pattern here?  These are all situations that we have no control over, but they require us to practice patience.

Frankly, I hate the fact that I have to practice patience!  How many times have our parents said the phrase to us, “practice makes perfect”.   I’ve had to be patient all my life and that represents years’ worth of practice!  Really now, how long should “perfect” take!  And besides, why should I have to be patient because something else or someone else is not doing whatever it is that they are supposed to be doing?  Why should I have to be affected by another’s action or inactions?  It just doesn’t seem fair!

The reality is that all my ranting, raving and rebelling will do nothing to change the fact that I will have many more opportunities ahead where my patience will be required.  My stress, frustration and anger will only be heightened by allowing my emotions to be involved in these situations that are beyond my control.  The fact is, the best way I know how to face these things is to roll through and keep smiling as I do it.   It’s not easy, that’s why it’s something we have to practice over and over and over…  It’s like a snowball that starts out small.  As it rolls along, it gets bigger and bigger.  The more you practice patience, the bigger it gets.  Before you know it, you’ve made yourself a friend from your snow and you’ve named it Frosty.  Of course, me living in Arizona, we don’t have snow in our forecast, so the best I can do is make dust bunnies.  We have plenty of dust here!

No, you won’t ever reach perfect by practicing patience in this life, but you will arrive at the end of your run, a lot less stressed and you will be the bigger, better person because of it.  This life is much like a marathon.  It’s not easy and involves much training, many setbacks, and a lot of blood, sweat and tears.  It requires patient endurance, persistence and a “never give up” attitude to make it through.  I may not be running on the road today, which makes me sad, but the ultimate goal is to complete the marathon.  The only way I can do that is by being patient.  I need to let my body heal.  I have to trust that patience makes perfect and that I will be when I cross that big finish line!

Letter to Santa…

Dear Santa, 

It’s me again.  Of course, you remember me!  We’ve shared many Christmas letters over the years.  I’m not saying how many years, because you already know how long it’s been.  I’ve tried not to be too naughty this year.   I think I’ve done pretty well on the nice part, too, so if those are the qualifiers with you, I should find all of my wish list items under my tree, right!  That is the way it’s supposed to work.  At least that’s how your marketing department promotes it. I heard on a TV commercial for Macy’s, I just have to “believe” and my wishes would be granted.

My list is a little different this year.  I actually think you’re going to have to do the “Miracle on 34^th St.” thing to make this all happen, but from what I’ve heard, that’s not a problem for you, right?  Here goes.

1.  Someone I love is trapped in the prison of addiction.  I need him to be free, free for good and you don’t have to wait until Christmas for this!  You know who it is, because you’ve been watching, right?

2.  Someone else I love is in jail and may be sentenced to prison again.  It’s alcoholism that keeps getting him in trouble.   I’m not sure what to ask for him, but I need whatever is best for him to happen.  You know who this is, too.

3.  There is another who has to do everything on her own, I mean taking care of her child on her own and trying to make life work, without a spouse.  She needs help with so many of the issues that come as a result of being a single parent.  I need you to send her all of the help that she needs.  You know who she is and you know how much I love her, too.

4.  Then there is the one who needs to know which way his life is supposed to take him.  There are so many options and so many obstacles that may look too big to overcome.  Can you give him a road map for his life, or at least point him in the right direction?  You know how much I love this one, too.

5.  And then there are the many that I love that need help in their finances.  The bills just keep coming for them and the pay check doesn’t stretch that far.  Maybe you can help them win the lottery or something.  I really care about them.  You know who I’m talking about, right!

6.  I can’t forget the ones who are close to me that are dealing with serious health issues.  They need to be healthy and whole again.  You can do this if I just believe, right?

7.  I have a whole group of people that I love and care about that lost people they have loved this past year.  This is their first Christmas without them.  Moms who lost children, kids who lost parents, those who lost a spouse…  The grief is excruciatingly painful for them right now.  They need more than a giant hug from you.  I’m really trying hard to believe you can give them what they need here…

8.  Wow, so many situations come to mind.  There are the ones who are lonely, the ones overwhelmed with life pressure, dangling at the end of their rope, those whose hope has run out…

Santa, I deeply care for the people who are trying to live with all of this really hard stuff.  Please Santa, can you make these wishes come true for Christmas this year???

Santa, I need to make a confession here.  We both know that there have been many times I had things on my Christmas list that never made an appearance under my tree.  I was really good those years, too!  And in the early years, I did believe, but honestly, I can’t trust you with these things anymore.  You are a really swell guy and you’ve been fun and all, but I’m afraid this will have to be my last letter to you.  You see, the things that are really important to me are the people I love.  You just don’t have the kind of power needed to do what I’ve asked for this year.  It’s time for you to face the fact that even you need a far greater power than yourself to tackle the serious issues life throws at us these days.

Seriously, Santa, you might as well know now, I have my trust in another love.  He’s a far greater power than you, and really, the only hope for any of these wish list items getting done.  I can hope you bring me everything I want, but I’m old enough to know, hope without God, means no hope for my wish list.  I know this for fact from my years of experience.  God has already made, like a million wishes come true for me.  I know you might be sad to have to hear this, but it’s really good news for you, because, surely Santa, you must have some pretty hefty wish list items of your own.

Just know Santa, I will still have fun with you every Christmas.  That will never change.  But when it comes to my serious wish list items, I won’t be putting a letter in the Macy’s mailbox for you anymore.  I’ve learned that anything Santa can’t do, God can do, and He does it much better!

Merry Christmas, Santa!

Your Friend for life,

Bobbi