Today was what I would consider to be a bad day. Actually, I know my life appears to be great to many and it really is, but I’ve actually been on a “bad day roll” since this year started. Some days are better than others, but has anyone noticed that I’ve not been writing recently? The life has been sucked out of me. My enthusiasm has dwindled, my joy, thus my motivation, pretty much gone. What you are about to hear is the ugly. Well, some of the ugly. True confession, I still keep the really ugly stuff hidden. I’m human too, you know.
This year has been an all time low for me. My self esteem has never been lower. My self-confidence hasn’t waned, because there hasn’t been any to wane. January was the most stress filled month that I can remember ever experiencing. I have had years of stress filled experiences in my past, I mean excruciatingly, intense situations that have the power to crush a person. In spite of that, I can remember very few situations that made me feel the emotional upheaval and inner turmoil that I’ve felt this year. I actually feared that I would experience what it really was to literally “lose it”.
My thinking has taken a much healthier direction in the last several months, but I can’t say that I’m past it all, yet. The struggle has continued, sometimes like a volcano just rumbling under the surface. Today though was an eruption. I find myself shaking my head at the end of this day. How and why is this happening? I don’t have the answers yet, but life is a journey, right. You don’t get the privilege of knowing it all while you’re running the path.
Part of my issue was that I had made myself vulnerable. I had exposed parts of my life that were delicate and maybe not so appealing to the general public. It made people uncomfortable. It made me the target of unfair, critical, judgment and I began to see it, feel it and hear it expressed. People I had trusted to be with me in this life journey, had backed away. Wow, does this ever suck!
But what did I expect? Everyone doesn’t think like me. Many are uncomfortable with deeper relationships. Most are ok as long as they can agree, as long as the person is like they are, but what happens when they aren’t? Should that person who is different from you be devalued in your eyes, judged as unworthy and pushed away?
That’s what I felt. People that I had no choice but to be around often, people that I trusted and opened up to, I now felt had unfairly judged me, devalued me and pushed me aside. This little act sucked the life out of me and dealt a crushing blow to my perceived strength to stand up to anything. My creativity was buried alive. Intimidation towered over me holding a knife to my throat, daring me to open my mouth and speak. The perceived threat was real. If I spoke, any sound would be immediately snuffed out by it’s power.
I’ve had an “ah ha”, God type moment about this day, though. I love when that happens! Truth is, I had given over my power to those who I allowed to treat me this way. I allowed myself to remain silent. I had allowed the actions of another to rob me of “me”. Today, I finally had enough. Months of my life have been wasted because I allowed this to be. It stops today. No longer will I allow another to silence my voice or rob me. No longer will I give my power away.
Truth is, my ability and confidence are not my own, but come from a power far greater than my own. Truth is, my power is not my own, but is sourced from a power far greater than my own. Truth is, relationship, honesty and vulnerability are still worth the risk because my power source has the ability to hold and heal my heart. It sounds so simple now, but that was my “ah ha”, God type moment.
There’s more to all of this, but that’s enough confession for this day and tomorrow is a new day. I’m going to get a good night’s sleep now.
To be continued…