In keeping with my “super proud mommy” theme these next few days, today’s post is dedicated to “C”. “C” is my second born and my only daughter. It’s not her birthday but there is plenty to celebrate! I gave “C” the heads up that this post was coming today. She said she wasn’t worried about what I might write. “My life is an open book”, she said. While I don’t plan to take advantage of the privilege she granted me with that statement, I will walk that fine line between her privacy and getting downright personal. The more you understand about the struggle, the more you’ll see what an exceptional woman she has become.
I was still a single mom when “C” came into the world by C-section. I couldn’t wait for her to be born. I was so impatient; I even jumped rope to bring on labor. It was a really stupid thing to do, as I didn’t have a clue about the dangers of doing that at the time, but it worked. She was my tiniest baby, the only one that came in under the 9 lb. mark on the scale.
I hate to say, “C” didn’t have a very happy babyhood. She was born with severe food allergies and even what I was eating while I was pregnant had been affecting her. Yes, as rare as it is, she was even allergic to breast milk. It took several months, lots of tummy aches, infections, poopy diapers and crying by both of us, to pin point all the things that were making her sick. It was very evident from the beginning, that even though “C” was far from being able to talk, “C” had a voice and she wasn’t afraid to use it.
It’s a complicated story leading up to my pregnancy with “C”. I’ve shared some of my soap opera drama in previous posts and I’m sure more will unfold in the months to come. Let’s just say, I was really good at weaving a very tangled web. I guess the more appropriate descriptive word for me would be “stupid”. What I will share now is that “C” never knew her biological father. It was my decision for it to be that way. I had to protect her. Her biological father was, well… let’s just keep things nice here and say he wasn’t right in his head. Aside from the fact that he was an addict, alcoholic, a pervert and abusive, he would have been the one who would have done more harm to her than anyone else in her life. He wanted to have a baby girl, because he wanted to show her what love really was. The thing is, he didn’t know what love really was. All he knew was the perversion of love and my little girl didn’t deserve that. No little girl does.
I did remarry after “C” was born. She adored that man. She, like every little girl, wanted that “daddy shaped hole” in her heart to be filled. Unfortunately, that man was also an abuser. She was too young to understand or remember when I ended the marriage. All she understood was that the “daddy shaped hole” was empty now and for some reason, I had taken it from her. Once again, we see how the effects of abuse have a far reaching effect on my children.
In spite of “C” not having the proper loving father image in the early years of her life, her inner strength and tenacity continued to grow and thrive. “C” acted like a grown up from the early toddler days. She was the one in control, even in her play with her baby dolls. She wasn’t satisfied with wearing her own clothes and shoes. She wanted to wear the clothes and shoes of a big girl, so what was mine became hers, so she thought. I can still picture her in my mind wearing my bras upside down.
When “C” was eight years old, I remarried for the third time and I’m happy to say that one lasted! Two more children followed and “C” liked to play mommy. She will be the first to tell you that she got to babysit her brothers more often than she would have liked, but she did like playing grown up. Like she did as a baby, she never hesitated to use her voice when it came to telling me what I was doing wrong or what I should be doing with her brothers. You always knew what she was thinking and where she stood on matters regarding raising kids.
She’s a mommy now with a beautiful teenage daughter of her own. “C” is a wonderful mommy! She stays very connected to her daughter. They spend time talking often and about everything. It’s the way I wish is would have been between her and I. I have great respect for her for this ability. What caused me to shut down emotionally seems to have caused her to flourish.
“C” has continued to deal with challenges in her adult years, but she’s remained that strong woman and you will hear her roar when she wants to be heard. She has been lied to and cheated on and life just hasn’t always been fair, but she hasn’t backed down, nor has she let any circumstance get in her way. She’s continued to stand strong, continued to be sensitive, expressive and nurturing, continued to blossom. Best part of it all is that she has continued to love me.
You just have to know, I’m proud of you “C”! I’m proud to be your mom! And I love you with all of my heart!