I’m continuing the confession theme today. I’ve put off talking about my issues for way to long, so today is the day I choose to get “uncorked”! Many excuses keep me silent. Reasoning takes away my power by taking away my voice. Either it’s a timing issue, fear of confrontation, rejection or another’s reaction. What if I spoil a “moment”. Certainly, I don’t want to be a source of stress to another. The really scary question, “What if no one really cares to listen?” On the list goes, all justification for me to keep things bottled up inside. I want my voice back, my power back, so today I am choosing to be exposed. I am not sure how this will all come out, but unfortunately, this bottle is probably over aged and corked, neither palatable nor suitable for pairing. I’m pouring it out now, right here.
I feel like my life has been lacking for many years now. There was a period that our family experienced a very long season of almost constant adversity. Everything from serious health issues, for more than one of us, involving many doctors and lots of bills,(yes, even with good health care coverage, but that’s another story, isn’t it) to addiction, alcoholism…, more to come on all of that. We’ve played the real life version of the game, “Whack a Mole”, only the moles were my family members and I. I’ve had very long seasons when I felt like every day was just another day that I knew I was going to get beat down again. The result of it all is what I need to confess to you today.
Do you mind wandering the dark corners of my mind with me for a few moments? I’ve recently been awakened to the fact that I’m not satisfied with where I’m at in life. I feel like I’ve gotten off my path and have given up dreams. I’ve let dreams die. I think I’ve gotten so far off the path, I’m not even sure how to find it again. Actually, I’m not even sure what it was or where it was leading. Any clear vision I thought I had, became cloudy. Huge distractions, obstacles and loss caused me to allow other things to substitute for what used to be real for me. The substitutes work to mimic what is real but they are just band aids. Band aids cover my owies, but they can’t make them go away or heal.
First it started with substituting busyness. Things that inspire passion in me will always involve creating or building something and watching it grow. I thrive on that. Thus, there are always projects to keep me busy. When life got turned upside down, instead of allowing myself to “feel”, I threw my energies into my projects, everything from my business at the time, to home improvement projects, neighborhood groups, developing children’s programs… anything that would keep my mind off of what was happening in my life. I wasn’t denying that there were issues. I was just avoiding dealing with them. I didn’t know how to deal with them. If I was forced to give up a project due circumstance, I quickly filled in the gap with one or two new ones.
My projects were very satisfying. I was busy creating and growing things. They gave me a diversion. Only thing was, I was doing it all apart from family and friends. They allowed me to become isolated, which in turn led to dissatisfaction and loneliness. It was actually a vicious cycle, one that I may have to battle to get out of for a while longer, as it still works for me. It still helps me to avoid dealing with issues, especially when I feel like circumstances are out of my control.
I guess this would be a good spot to stop for this post, since I have admitted that I like to avoid dealing with these things. Why push the envelope, right! I promise, more to come…